Wish Bones and Back Bones

"We teach people how to treat us."  ~Life Law #8 by Dr. Phil McGraw

At first blush this statement seems way too simplistic.  True, Dr. Phil has a gift for getting to the heart of matters--but surely this life law ignores the complexities of relationships, especially abusive ones. I used to think this statement blamed the victim--and somehow implied one deserved mistreatment.

Over the years I've come to realize this is not at all what Dr. Phil intended.  Instead, this life law empowers people to take responsibility for the boundaries they set in their relationships.

The most common example of how this works is in parenting our children.  Our little ones learn very quickly what behavior will and will not be tolerated.  For instance, I may decide I will not allow my child to yell at me--and so if my son does this, I will work to extinguish this negative behavior by giving him a "time out" or refusing to consider his request until he speaks to me appropriately.  He will learn, by the boundaries I set, that he cannot treat me this way.

The same holds true for the teacher who sets the tone of his/her classroom.  Some teachers are okay with noisy chatter and others prefer peace and quiet.  Any experienced teacher will tell you that it's important to set out these expectations early on in the school year.

Why should our interpersonal relationships be any different?  If we turn a blind eye to lying and infidelity, to controlling behavior and name-calling, can we really expect to be treated better in the future?  One of my friends spoke of this old adage a few weeks ago, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"  It is especially true when we try to shape our personal and professional relationships.

Dr. Phil says, "You either teach people to treat you with dignity or respect, or you do not."  I think we sometimes lose sight of the power we have to shape our destinies in our relationships.  He suggests we take ownership of how people treat us and try to recognize what we are doing to reinforce negative behaviors.  It is never too late to renegotiate the boundaries we set in our relationships; and it's important to be clear and firm. As Dr. Phil so eloquently writes:

"The worst thing you could do is make a lot of noise about changing things, only to revert to the old, familiar, destructive patterns. To talk about change and not to do it is to teach that person to treat your statements and declarations lightly. You will teach him or her to be patient, confident that you will soon give in. Where your relationship standards are concerned, commit to yourself that, although it may be difficult to effect change, you must not compromise. To compromise in this area is to sell out your most precious commodity: you." 

If you find yourself putting up with undesirable behaviors, you need to ask yourself why you think you deserve this treatment.  In my work with abuse victims, I have discovered that sometimes we ignore the behavior not only because we don't realize how intrinsically valuable we are, but also because we keep hoping for change that sometimes never comes.  As such, we then make excuses for the mistreatment...it was the alcohol talking...he's been under a lot of stress at work...I shouldn't have provoked him...I haven't been meeting her needs so she went elsewhere...

I love this empowering quote by Kansas-born writer Clementine Paddleford (1898-1967), "Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."  It's not okay to lose ourselves and compromise our worth.  If you discover yourself in a similar situation, you need to find your backbone and draw a line in the sand with it.  If you are having trouble, there are many resources available to help you create your own destiny--look for assistance.

Source: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/131  

  

Protecting the Heart

A young couple, Quinn and Sarah, were on the Dr. Phil show yesterday.  Their relationship has been plagued with insidious violence for years.  Imagine a world of rabid name-calling, kicks, infidelity, savage punches, sharp slices with broken glass and stitches to patch up gaping wounds.  Many of us cannot fathom living in such insufferable chaos.  The couple has two young girls who witness the abuse, and are victims themselves.  And believe it or not, the perpetrator is Sarah.

Also on the show were Quinn and Sarah's mothers, both equally concerned about the abuse to Quinn and their granddaughters.  As a way to explain her behavior, Sarah talked about how she was physically abused by her father growing up--brutally beaten with a belt many times.  In fact, Dr. Phil indicated Sarah's dad had been brought up on charges for the abuse.  And yet, Sarah's mother vehemently denied there was any abuse to Sarah when she lived at home.  How could this mother continue to refute the abuse to Sarah when there was ample evidence to substantiate it?  Is she just a liar?  And how could Quinn remain in such an violent relationship, putting his beautiful daughters at risk as well?  

When I worked in the area of family violence, I was asked these types of question many times.  Why do victims stay?  Why do they keep going back?  Why do they protect the abusers?  These are easy questions with complex answers--whole books are written on the topic.  The show today was a poignant example of one reason violent relationships are sustained: denial.

Over the years I have discovered that denial is like a blanket that covers the shame of domestic violence for victims and bystanders.  Once safe, I have had women sit in my office and recount horrific incidences of abuse.  One story would lead to another, and sometimes with gentle probing, a kind touch and an empathetic ear, the flood gates would open up.  I vividly remember one woman responding, "Wow!  I had completely forgotten about that until now...isn't that strange?"

It's really not all that strange, under the circumstances.  Victims tend to minimize the abuse as a way to cope, and sometimes the mind blocks it out completely.   It actually makes sense.  How much would you want to remember having a shotgun held to your head by the one person you loved and trusted?  What if that same loved one knocked your teeth out, or gave you an STD stemming from multiple infidelities?  And what if you stood by and did nothing while your husband beat the tar out of your daughter?

Denial and minimization of abuse can sometimes be diagnosed as Disassociation.  In addition, this type of psychological disconnection is a common symptom of PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Dr. Marlene Steinberg, co-author of The Stranger in the Mirror: Dissociation--the Hidden Epidemic (2001) makes the argument that dissociation is more widespread than was originally thought as a response to trauma, affecting over 30 million worldwide (http://strangerinthemirror.com/dissociative.html).  She states it is often is misdiagnosed as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, sleep disorder or attention-deficit disorder, thus resulting in years of suffering.

Whether you call it denial, disconnection, dissociation, detachment or minimization--we cannot underestimate it as an important reason victims become desperately stuck.  Sometimes the mind takes over and protects what the heart cannot bear...and so the cycle continues.

“Hope is a higher heart frequency,

and as you begin to re-connect with your heart, 

hope is waiting to show you new possibilities 

and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. 

 Listening to your still, small voice in your heart

will make hope into a reality .” 

~Sarah Paddison, The Hidden Power of the Heart~