Shrouded in Haze

"Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever."

I guess that's true--but it's a hard pill to swallow.

Some losses are succinct, and cut to the bone: someone you care deeply about moves away, or (heaven forbid) dies. 

Other losses are shrouded in haze: you lose a friend because they are not who you really thought they were.  When they suspect you know they are not a person of integrity, and they are fairly certain you will address concerns with them, suddenly they pull away.  They dodge out of Dodge, so to speak.  Cowardly, but understandable, given the circumstances...they run for cover.

But rejection cuts no matter how you slice it...even though you realize you are far better off without chameleons in your life and need to surround yourself with light.

Still, you grieve a loss like this as you would any other.  But what you really miss is what you thought you had--a loving friendship with a sincere, forthright person.  Truthfully, you miss a fictional character.  For me, this experience has certainly made me appreciate my true friends so much more deeply, and for this I am grateful.

And so I will be gentle with myself as I ebb and flow through waves of sadness--as my heart cleanses, and heals and makes way for a new friendship to fill an empty space.  A real one. ♥

Happy Birthday Bret

It's hard to believe you would be 17 today--my sweet middle child.

When I look at your two brothers here with me, I can't help but wonder what you would look like.

  

Would you have dimples like your big brother or a strong jaw like your father? 

Maybe I would have a son with blue eyes, glowing like your great grandpa's or grammies'. 

Would you have dark hair like gramps' or fiery red hair similar to your little brother's?  

Perhaps I would have an extra driver in the house to help run your little brother around.  

And what would you choose to do for fun--play baseball or hockey like the other boys?  Maybe neither--perhaps you would be a music fanatic--beating the drums or pounding the piano to the measure of your own tune!

Unfortunately, you were not meant to be here on earth with us--but as your mom I can't help but wonder...

What I know for sure is all you have taught me:

Time is precious--spend it wisely.
It's okay to cry.
Love transcends all we see.
Don't let anyone "should" on you--sometimes we need to do what feels right in order to heal and it doesn't always fit with what other people think.
You are always with me in my heart, fluttering to a different measure.
Comfort can be found in the simplest places: ivory apple blossoms, the silver sparkle of sunshine on snow; the melody of the wind playing with the leaves, the dance of a butterfly, or the easy stream of rain on my face.  

Thank you, child of mine, for these wonderful treasures you left behind. I am forever grateful.

Love you forever,

Mom

xo

A Lesson Learned

Today I went back and forth with myself, deciding whether or not to visit a patient that is no longer on my caseload, and who is now under hospice care.  I try to be very conscious of the boundaries I set with my work, but his extended family is all out of province and he does not have a wife or children to provide support.  We developed a good connection in a short period of time while he was in acute care, both displaying a "tell it like it is" mentality enveloped in mutual respect.  I eventually decided to go--worried he would have few visitors in his final few days on earth.  Besides, I had an appointment in that area of town--maybe it was meant to be...

I am glad I went.  Although the cancer had metasticized and he was in a lot of discomfort, he said he wanted to "back off" from the pain medication because he had "a lot to think about."  I asked him what he would tell himself if he was sixteen again.  He kind of skirted the topic by sharing what life was really like for him at that age, having just lost his Dad and living with an alcoholic mother whom he loved fiercely.  It sounded like chaos.  But with his incredible spirit he managed to obtain his high school diploma and get a trade.

Unfortunately, he inherited his mother's propensity and led a hard and fast life down that same path--escaping his pain and unfounded insecurities.  He was successful in living the fast life he chose--always finding work to finance the fun.  This brought us back to present day and his losing battle against a cancer that sometimes rears its ugly head in response to a reckless lifestyle.  And so I asked the question from a different angle; what would be the soundest advice he could give my two boys, aged 18 and 14.  His clear blue eyes welled up with tears as he said only two words: "slow down."

As our visit came to a close, he gave me some last minute instructions and I did the same, reminding him, "say what you need to say."  He cocked one eyebrow, smiled and said, "You know I'm good at that," to which I responded, "Yes, I should know that by now."  After we hugged good-bye I walked out into an unusually warm February afternoon and stared up at the brilliant blue sky that reminded me of his translucent eyes.  Then I remembered something my junior high science teacher told our class one day.  At the time my classmates and I thought it was very odd.  Out of the blue Mr. Shandro told us..."Remember to slow down and smell the roses."

Slow down.

Water filled my eyes as I realized I didn't come today just for him.  I came for me--to relearn an old lesson and to validate some recent choices.
Thank you kind sir.

“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

~Ernest Hemingway~

Miriam-Webster describes grief as a "deep sadness especially for the loss of someone or something loved."  Indeed, our minds usually wander to the tragic loss of a very special person in our life, and unfortunately, too many of us have had the misfortune of experiencing this tragedy first hand.  


Over the last year I have come to learn more about other forms of loss--loss that occurs amongst the living.  In particular, I have been honored to work with a group of Head and Neck Cancer survivors, and they have taught me about various shades of loss as they journey through their battle against this brutal cancer.  


Head and neck cancer can include cancers of the esophagus, thyroid or salivary glands, voice box, sinus, mouth, tongue or lips.  Some victims of Head and Neck Cancer are former smokers and/or alcohol consumers, however there is an increasing number of people with HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) who are non-smokers and develop this disease.  This is the same virus associated with the development of cervical cancer in women.  Firefighters can also fall victim, and acid reflux disease is also cited as a cause for this brutal cancer.  Head and Neck Cancer is the 6^th most common cancer in the United States, and men are about 50% more likely to be afflicted than women.


I have discovered that Head and Neck Cancer survivors face a number of losses.  Many must endure radical surgery, radiation therapy and chemotherapy.  In doing so, aspects of daily life that we take for granted can be severely affected, including breathing, eating, speaking and appearance. 


A poignant example is the cancer patient who has much of their tongue removed.  Tissue from the patient’s forearm is transplanted onto the tongue to assist with swallowing.  Can you imagine trying to eat and talk with this newly-formed mouth?  As a result, many patients grieve the loss of the “simple things” like enjoying an ice cream cone, or sipping a refreshing soda on a scorching hot day (which may cause a burning sensation).  Taste buds are altered and are never the same.  Some have to receive a feeding tube temporarily, while others never regain the ability to swallow. 


Our society seems to revolve around celebrations that include eating or drinking.  Think of Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner without the turkey…or birthdays without cake.  Even “going for coffee” is an issue. Those survivors that are able to continue swallowing often take a very long time to eat, or require copious amounts of water to avoid choking because their saliva glands are no longer adequate.  They are at risk of aspiration and illness such as pneumonias, not to mention recurrence of the dreaded cancer. 


In addition to these challenges, the radiation therapy can cause tooth decay, resulting in the loss of teeth. and sometimes requiring radical dental reconstructive surgery.  Patients can go for months or even years without any teeth.  And if the cancer gets into the jaw bone, it must be removed and eventually reconstructed with bones grafted from the leg. 


The oral cancer patient also faces a change in voice and ability to speak.  Some people might wrongly assume they are intoxicated on the phone.  For many, their voice and pronunciation is never the same.


Thus, Head and Neck Cancer patients are “faced” with many losses; including eating, drinking, socializing, talking and appearance.  Undoubtedly these concerns can affect one’s self-esteem, sexuality and everyday functioning.  I am honored to be part of a support group that helps these patients cope with these losses and discover the new beautiful person they are becoming. 


Yes I know Movember just happened and many of you are tired of cancer fundraising.  But Manuary is just as important.  Men grow beards to cover the remnants of their oral surgery—women aren’t quite so lucky in being able to cover up their scars.  I am wearing a beard in my picture to raise awareness.  Won’t you help me raise funds to support treatment of this brutal, less-known cancer?  Please visit www.manuary.ca, go the to "Donate in Edmonton" link and click in my name: "Cindy Haugen."  A receipt will automatically be sent to you for your generous donation.

Thanks!

Cindy

xo

Sources:

http://www.manuary.ca

http://www.headandneck.org

http://firefightercancersupport.org

http://www.cancer.ca